I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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