I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
