i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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