How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I am midnight drunk by noon
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just want to make out with him forever
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
