I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
