My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
