You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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