Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
