We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
