I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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