My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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