The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
