The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
