Do vagina's smell?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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