she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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