So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
