A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
