when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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