When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
