omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
