why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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