I feel great
I just peed on a car
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
