Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I want to be your penis for a week.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
