Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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