my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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