I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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