A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
