oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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