Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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