Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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