Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
