I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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