If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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