Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
