I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
