About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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