and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
