Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
