Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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