Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
