I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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