You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
