Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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