Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
