Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
