My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
