I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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