I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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