I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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