Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
