Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
